In a chat with some of my best friends, I’ve come to realize we have all hit (or are very close to hitting) a breaking point in recent months. The reserves that we had a few months ago to power through what we hoped would be temporary circumstances have been depleted, leaving us all with a sense of helplessness and a stress that just won’t quit. The only possible response to this seems to be to find ways to escape – even for a few minutes a day – or to use the dreaded F-word on repeat (and the F-word in question is “Fine”).
In a really poignant phone call recently, I realized how important it is to admit our weakness. That a large part of my daily job has been about putting on a brave front – convincing my classes I had a plan, making sure my grad students feel that someone is at the helm, telling everyone that I was fine (yep. there’s that word again). I think we can get so wrapped up in trying to portray we have it all together, that we forget the exquisite relief that comes from admitting that this is hard. From not being fine. And in knowing that no one has it together right now.
Having just come through another semester burnt and broken, I am finally ready to stand up and say:
Hi, my name is Kara and the last 9 months have royally sucked.
God…that feels good.
How much better would you feel if your bosses confessed that this was hard for them too? And that you are not expected to be as productive, because they recognize you are running at 50% capacity on your best day? And how much more freeing would it be if we stopped trying to talk ourselves out of our grief (cause yes, there is a grieving process in this), and admitted that, true, while we don’t have to deal with x, y, and z, our feelings and our hardships are just as valid. That we are not Fine, and probably won’t be for quite some time.
I imagine we could sail to the moon on that kind of collective energy. Cause I gotta tell you COVID, I’m not fine. I actually have a totally different F-word in mind…
Maybe the moat positive thing to come from the pandemic, is learning it’s okay not to be fine (some of you might inherently know this. As a consummate pleaser and avoider-of-conflict, trust me when I say this is a HUGE revelation for me). And this eye opening realization has been perhaps the most freeing coping strategy since this whole thing started. To accept that there was research I had planned that I couldn’t get done, grants that should have been submitted months ago, and trips I wanted to take. And it didn’t happen…all because of something I had no control over.
And….maybe that’s the thing that’s fine? It’s fine that we didn’t get it all done this year. It’s fine that things have been taking longer than normal, or haven’t happened at all. Because if we are still smiling at the end of a year that turned us upside down and inside out, then I call that a success.
And maybe instead of being fine, we let ourselves cry. And laugh. And sew. And take a day off. Or just an hour for yourself. Maybe we toss the pajamas aside and get dressed up for no reason other than you need to feel connected to your previous life. The one that it is perfectly valid to be mourning right now. And maybe we steel ourselves for still a long road ahead. Recognize the work is far from over. But also…be a little angry. Be a little frustrated.
Maybe we twirl in the backyard in the most perfect vintage novelty print because we just felt like it this morning. Because I am not fine. But I’m doing all of this isolation and staying away from the people I care so much about and the lab I worked so hard to earn so that one day…maybe it can be fine again.
Doesn’t fine sound pretty good right about now?
xoxo
Outfit Details:
Top: Unique Vintage
skirt: Vintage (similar modern and vintage here, here & here)
Headband: Anthropologie (similar)
Necklace: gift (similar)
Handbag: Veracious Vintage Co. (similar here & here)
Shoes: Melissas (similar)
Lip Color: Dior Rouge 634
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